How strange life is.. I've been fully equipped, my mind is fully aware and prepared for the worst outcome but still when it comes, frustration is there.. I know I'm ready for the result, but deep down inside me still hoping the chances is there.
Early in the morning, I'm going to bathroom...the next cycle has begin..that just mean the IUI had failed. Deep in my heart I already know and aware, I'm not pregnant coz of the high fever but still I'm hoping I was wrong. Every time next cycle begin...I just feel so frustrated.. How I wishes this could turn differently...the result would favor my wishes...
I try not to give up, I try to set my mind as positive as it cud be even though it does hurt every-time the new cycle begin...
Monday 26 March 2012
Saturday 17 March 2012
IUI... The Journey III
CD 15 - OR 81, pg tadi still ade sket lg choc lepas mandi dah xnampak dah...ari nie pg la clinic...tp sgt x best dpt doc yang tanye je skt ape..xbaca history kite yg lepas2...then x cek ape pon not even tekanan darah or cek pernafasan tuh kan...temp pon xde amek... pastu tros bg ubat...sejentik pon xusik n tengok...perghhh hangin...dr fiza cuti seminggu...patot la aku tgk xpt gile kot org masuk n kuar dr bilik dr tuh...rupenyer x cek pon...aku leh jd doktor gitueh...huh emo dwatnyer bile jumpe dr sengal cmney...aku ingat...doc nie la dulu...time perut aku sakit tetibe sampai aku pengsan2 rase nak guling2 je dari klang sampai KD ari tuh...pg masuk die bg aku ubat thn sakit je...cek lgsg xde...kalo cek mesti dapat detect sakit aku awal2...skali ari nie...aku sakit yg sama cam ari tuh...dr yg sama gak kt klinik tuh aku jumpe balik...perghhhh bengang lar...
CD 16 - CD 19 : OR 95, OR 52, OR 79, OR 88 keje macam biasa...life goes on and on...like usual..
CD 20 - feels waiting is just a boring things to do especially when you feels deep inside, "Did I made it? and the answer just being No"
CD 16 - CD 19 : OR 95, OR 52, OR 79, OR 88 keje macam biasa...life goes on and on...like usual..
CD 20 - feels waiting is just a boring things to do especially when you feels deep inside, "Did I made it? and the answer just being No"
Kellie Coffey - I Would Die For That
Jenny was my best friend.
Went away one summer.
Came back with a secret
She just couldn't keep.
A child inside her,
Was just too much for her
So she cried herself to sleep.
And she made a decision
Some find hard to accept.
To young to know that one day
She might live to regret.
But I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that she had.
I would die for that.
I've been given so much,
A husband that I love.
So why do I feel incomplete?
With every test and checkup
We're told not to give up.
He wonders if it's him.
And I wonder if it's me.
All I want is a family,
Like everyone else I see.
And I won't understand it
If it's not meant to be.
'Cause I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that they have.
I would die for that.
And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
For that kind of love,
What I'd give up!
I would die for that.
Sometimes it's hard to conceive,
With all that I've got,
And all I've achieved,
What I want most
Before my time is gone,
Is to hear the words
"I love you, Mom."
I would die for that.
Just to have once chance
To hold in my hands
What so many have
I would die for that.
And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
How I would love
What some give up.
I would die
I would die for that.
Monday 12 March 2012
sharing my fav songs - i would die for that ~
just sharing a few songs by kellie coffey which i found really amazing and inspiring especially this song.. i would die for that.. it made me cry...
Sunday 11 March 2012
IUI... The Journey II
CD 8 - Monday, as previous with addition...balik je dr apptmt pas tgk follicle and et gigi sakit gile...cam gigi bongsu belah kiri nie melonjak2 nak kuar dibawah gusi tuh...adehhhh...
CD 9 - Tuesday, OR 66, today still have lil choc, in the morning aku pergi keje...but bdn rase shivering...after that sakit2 sendi..then tros start panas...so sebab xlarat sgt...kul 10.30 aku pg blk meeting baring kt lantai..rase sejuk sgt2...tp bdn plak pns membahang...xdaya nak tahan lagi..aku pon balik kul 2..pg klinik dkt umah...38.6c..pergh...itupon sebelum aku g clinic aku basuh rambut n muka aku kat toilet dulu...kalo x...bp la tuh naik tuh...aku cite nk buat iui khamis nie so xnak ubat yg leh affect pregnancy...doc tu kate die akan bg higher dos antibiotic ngan ubat demam supaya kebah before iui..sebab takut extend plak iui tuh..tp kalo xsembuh gak sampai jumaat...die suh dtg cek darah sabtu pg...aku dpt mc 2 hari...so balik aku mkn ubat tuh n try tido n minum bnyk ari..utk cepatkan panas keluar time urinate.. malam dalam kul 8...ade appointment kat hosp lg...amek injection HCG...laratkan je badan...dlm pikiran aku akan kena 2 shot..sebab aku bawak 2 kotak 5000iu ari tuh..tp bile inject satu jek pon...sakit plak tuh...bengkak la gk...huhu...susah aku nk tido mengiring...
CD 10 - Wednesday, OR 81, ari nie kuar choc jelly like, dlm pikiran aku..period dah abes la nie...badan masih sgt panas...aku lilit kain basah...minum sgt banyak air...lebeh la seliter stgh...xpenah2 pon time ari bese byk tuh aku minum.,..huhuhu...kepala n badan sgt bisa n sakit...makan pon aku xlalu...ptg adik aku ade datang...bwkkan bubur nasi ngan sup ayam n sup gearbox...huhu...selera la aku makan..rase macam nak kebah sket2...minum air kembang semangkuk plak..bergelas2 air aku refill...
CD 11 - Thursday, OR 68, diarrhea, pg nie bgn awal...maklumlah nak iui...c-hat akhirnyer....tp kt hosp neyh sejuk gile,...pakai sweater pon sejuk jugak...kitorang sampai awal....kul 7.00pg...pg kaunter kt dalam nurse pon xde lagi...so pg beli kudapan dulu...hubby lapo...bile balik smula ctu...ade dah nurse...so wat sperm extraction dulu...then hubby g tido dlm kete...ngantuk katenyer...aku plak tunggu je la kt ctu wpon sejuk gile rase...pdhal aku dh bg phone no...nk blah pon bley...tp aku terstay...bile aku blah kan diri ke toilet...nurse call...suh masuk bilik prosedur...around 10.30 pg kot...so aku pon bersedia la dlm tuh...dlm tuh aku rase sejuk gile2 lg..nurse siap bg selimut...tp rase cam kurang tebal jek..aku still shivering...doc pon masuk utk prosedur....doc kate die suh trainee utk jd specialist buat ari nie...plus doc tuh pegnen..so amek berkat katenyer...huhu...aku pon xkesahla...janji ade guidance...bile dah masuk mulut itik tuh...rase senak dah..tp doc asek pesan jgn kemut...nti keluar...pastu die cuci dulu, the baru masukkan wayar (wayar ke..ker catheter..ntah la...)...pastu die suh batuk...time tuh nek kejang kaki aku menahan senak tuh...bile lepas batuh..die masukkan dlm rahim rase cam...(xleh describe perasaan die...sakittttttt ... smpai pegang pinggang aku diwatnyer)...pastu doc suh asst die tuh masukkan sperm...dgr la conversation diorang...inject...tarik sket...inject semua...tgk ade backflow x...ok xde...siap...pastu die tanye telor belah mana yg besar ari tuh...aku kate kanan..die kata mengiring ke kanan dalam 30-40 min...dlm kesejukan tuh baring lagi...doc bg la advice sket2...die kate no sexual intercourse till 3 day post iui, jgn jln2, jgn angkat berat2, bnykkan rehat...next 3 week datang balik utk anor appointment ngan die...pas 30 min, nurse bg pad then bley balik ktnyer...bangun je dari katil aku rase ade flow dari v aku...cepat2 pakai bj n uruskan bil....then balik ke kete...perjalanan ke kete aku rase lama gile...aku memang rase nak pitam..sket je pemandangan aku yg tinggal...tp aku xleh pitam...kang hubby aku bising aku xmakan bnyk time sarapan..huhu....so...aku pon gagahkan je diri...sampai dlm kete...aku kemam gula2..n baring...aku cuma dpt ckp ngan hubby...sakit wat iui rupenyer...so hubby suh tido kat belakang...aku pon bergerak ke belakang...n tido....sampai2 je umah...rase pening nak pitam dah hilang...tp badan mang weak la...sampai umah...start gigil balik..n panas...pg toilet jap..tgk kat pad ade darah...maybe drh time treatment tu la...aku abaikan...asal xkar balik sperm sudah...bdn rase makin panas...aku pon makan ubat n tido...time nie aku serba salah nak makan x antibiotic doc kt clinic bg...tp last2 aku mkn jugak...sebab panas sgt...aku bnykkan minum ari...then rest...aku xleh nak baring ke kiri..sakit gile...rase xselesa, menelentang pon xleh lama...so mengiring ke kanan je la...the sampai malam bertambah panas,...tuam badan ngan tuala...masih sama...
CD 12 - Friday, OR 76, perut n bhgn rahim belah kanan aku masih sakit, suhu masih sgt tinggi...hubby pon terkejut...die pon belikan air cap badak ngan kool fever..sebab kool fever aku dah abes..die suh bnyk minum air...malam die urutkan belakang bdn ngan kaki tangan...sebab aku dah xlarat sakit urat...ari ni aku minum air gile banyak la..sebab xnak la sok kena pg amek darah...mls sebenarnyer...aku xsuka sgt jarum neyh...bikin nangis...hahahah...kerap la ke toilet...then balut bdan ngan kain basah...kurangkan bselimut...sebab lagi selimut,...lg berbahang rase...
CD 13 - Saturday, OR 34, belah kanan aku masih lg sakit, nak bergerak pon slow je jalan..bile bangun pg rase dah xdemam...tp badan maseh sakit2 lagi..2ade kenduri nikah sepupu hubby...tp aku xpegi..xlarat...baru kebah kan..bdn pon sakit2 lagi...lepas mandi tetibe ade rase cecair kuar...bila tgk...darahhhh...warna merah bata cair..ker warna pink belacan...ape2 la..aku xpandai sket nak describe color nie...dah riso kt dalam hati nie...demam nie akan lekat ke baby utk aku...aku tawakkal je skang.,..xnak terlalu tinggi mengharap...kang sakit bile xmenjadi...
CD 14 - Sunday, OR 96, pg nie aku bgn2 je...rase sakit sgt perut, angin kot, sampai ke malam sakitnyer xilang tp berkurang la sket...nak jalan pon slow2 je...terhentak sket pon rase senak..nak duduk n berdiri pon susah kalo dari posisi baring...ari nie ade lagi cairan yg kuar tp warna choc, xsebanyak semalam, tp nampak la lekat kat panties...ari nie hari kenduri sepupu hubby..pon aku xpegi...serba salah sebenarnyer x pg tp nak wat cane kan...sok dah nak start keje...larat ke x aku nie...adehhh....nak amek mc mang malas sgt la aku neyh...tp larat ke nak wat keje sok ni.....
CD 9 - Tuesday, OR 66, today still have lil choc, in the morning aku pergi keje...but bdn rase shivering...after that sakit2 sendi..then tros start panas...so sebab xlarat sgt...kul 10.30 aku pg blk meeting baring kt lantai..rase sejuk sgt2...tp bdn plak pns membahang...xdaya nak tahan lagi..aku pon balik kul 2..pg klinik dkt umah...38.6c..pergh...itupon sebelum aku g clinic aku basuh rambut n muka aku kat toilet dulu...kalo x...bp la tuh naik tuh...aku cite nk buat iui khamis nie so xnak ubat yg leh affect pregnancy...doc tu kate die akan bg higher dos antibiotic ngan ubat demam supaya kebah before iui..sebab takut extend plak iui tuh..tp kalo xsembuh gak sampai jumaat...die suh dtg cek darah sabtu pg...aku dpt mc 2 hari...so balik aku mkn ubat tuh n try tido n minum bnyk ari..utk cepatkan panas keluar time urinate.. malam dalam kul 8...ade appointment kat hosp lg...amek injection HCG...laratkan je badan...dlm pikiran aku akan kena 2 shot..sebab aku bawak 2 kotak 5000iu ari tuh..tp bile inject satu jek pon...sakit plak tuh...bengkak la gk...huhu...susah aku nk tido mengiring...
CD 10 - Wednesday, OR 81, ari nie kuar choc jelly like, dlm pikiran aku..period dah abes la nie...badan masih sgt panas...aku lilit kain basah...minum sgt banyak air...lebeh la seliter stgh...xpenah2 pon time ari bese byk tuh aku minum.,..huhuhu...kepala n badan sgt bisa n sakit...makan pon aku xlalu...ptg adik aku ade datang...bwkkan bubur nasi ngan sup ayam n sup gearbox...huhu...selera la aku makan..rase macam nak kebah sket2...minum air kembang semangkuk plak..bergelas2 air aku refill...
CD 11 - Thursday, OR 68, diarrhea, pg nie bgn awal...maklumlah nak iui...c-hat akhirnyer....tp kt hosp neyh sejuk gile,...pakai sweater pon sejuk jugak...kitorang sampai awal....kul 7.00pg...pg kaunter kt dalam nurse pon xde lagi...so pg beli kudapan dulu...hubby lapo...bile balik smula ctu...ade dah nurse...so wat sperm extraction dulu...then hubby g tido dlm kete...ngantuk katenyer...aku plak tunggu je la kt ctu wpon sejuk gile rase...pdhal aku dh bg phone no...nk blah pon bley...tp aku terstay...bile aku blah kan diri ke toilet...nurse call...suh masuk bilik prosedur...around 10.30 pg kot...so aku pon bersedia la dlm tuh...dlm tuh aku rase sejuk gile2 lg..nurse siap bg selimut...tp rase cam kurang tebal jek..aku still shivering...doc pon masuk utk prosedur....doc kate die suh trainee utk jd specialist buat ari nie...plus doc tuh pegnen..so amek berkat katenyer...huhu...aku pon xkesahla...janji ade guidance...bile dah masuk mulut itik tuh...rase senak dah..tp doc asek pesan jgn kemut...nti keluar...pastu die cuci dulu, the baru masukkan wayar (wayar ke..ker catheter..ntah la...)...pastu die suh batuk...time tuh nek kejang kaki aku menahan senak tuh...bile lepas batuh..die masukkan dlm rahim rase cam...(xleh describe perasaan die...sakittttttt ... smpai pegang pinggang aku diwatnyer)...pastu doc suh asst die tuh masukkan sperm...dgr la conversation diorang...inject...tarik sket...inject semua...tgk ade backflow x...ok xde...siap...pastu die tanye telor belah mana yg besar ari tuh...aku kate kanan..die kata mengiring ke kanan dalam 30-40 min...dlm kesejukan tuh baring lagi...doc bg la advice sket2...die kate no sexual intercourse till 3 day post iui, jgn jln2, jgn angkat berat2, bnykkan rehat...next 3 week datang balik utk anor appointment ngan die...pas 30 min, nurse bg pad then bley balik ktnyer...bangun je dari katil aku rase ade flow dari v aku...cepat2 pakai bj n uruskan bil....then balik ke kete...perjalanan ke kete aku rase lama gile...aku memang rase nak pitam..sket je pemandangan aku yg tinggal...tp aku xleh pitam...kang hubby aku bising aku xmakan bnyk time sarapan..huhu....so...aku pon gagahkan je diri...sampai dlm kete...aku kemam gula2..n baring...aku cuma dpt ckp ngan hubby...sakit wat iui rupenyer...so hubby suh tido kat belakang...aku pon bergerak ke belakang...n tido....sampai2 je umah...rase pening nak pitam dah hilang...tp badan mang weak la...sampai umah...start gigil balik..n panas...pg toilet jap..tgk kat pad ade darah...maybe drh time treatment tu la...aku abaikan...asal xkar balik sperm sudah...bdn rase makin panas...aku pon makan ubat n tido...time nie aku serba salah nak makan x antibiotic doc kt clinic bg...tp last2 aku mkn jugak...sebab panas sgt...aku bnykkan minum ari...then rest...aku xleh nak baring ke kiri..sakit gile...rase xselesa, menelentang pon xleh lama...so mengiring ke kanan je la...the sampai malam bertambah panas,...tuam badan ngan tuala...masih sama...
CD 12 - Friday, OR 76, perut n bhgn rahim belah kanan aku masih sakit, suhu masih sgt tinggi...hubby pon terkejut...die pon belikan air cap badak ngan kool fever..sebab kool fever aku dah abes..die suh bnyk minum air...malam die urutkan belakang bdn ngan kaki tangan...sebab aku dah xlarat sakit urat...ari ni aku minum air gile banyak la..sebab xnak la sok kena pg amek darah...mls sebenarnyer...aku xsuka sgt jarum neyh...bikin nangis...hahahah...kerap la ke toilet...then balut bdan ngan kain basah...kurangkan bselimut...sebab lagi selimut,...lg berbahang rase...
CD 13 - Saturday, OR 34, belah kanan aku masih lg sakit, nak bergerak pon slow je jalan..bile bangun pg rase dah xdemam...tp badan maseh sakit2 lagi..2ade kenduri nikah sepupu hubby...tp aku xpegi..xlarat...baru kebah kan..bdn pon sakit2 lagi...lepas mandi tetibe ade rase cecair kuar...bila tgk...darahhhh...warna merah bata cair..ker warna pink belacan...ape2 la..aku xpandai sket nak describe color nie...dah riso kt dalam hati nie...demam nie akan lekat ke baby utk aku...aku tawakkal je skang.,..xnak terlalu tinggi mengharap...kang sakit bile xmenjadi...
CD 14 - Sunday, OR 96, pg nie aku bgn2 je...rase sakit sgt perut, angin kot, sampai ke malam sakitnyer xilang tp berkurang la sket...nak jalan pon slow2 je...terhentak sket pon rase senak..nak duduk n berdiri pon susah kalo dari posisi baring...ari nie ade lagi cairan yg kuar tp warna choc, xsebanyak semalam, tp nampak la lekat kat panties...ari nie hari kenduri sepupu hubby..pon aku xpegi...serba salah sebenarnyer x pg tp nak wat cane kan...sok dah nak start keje...larat ke x aku nie...adehhh....nak amek mc mang malas sgt la aku neyh...tp larat ke nak wat keje sok ni.....
Monday 5 March 2012
IUI... The Journey
CD 1 - Monday, 27/02/2012 3.00 pm, 1P (red), got mild cramp, constipation, temp-normal, nausea, OR 0, bloating
CD 2 - Tuesday, 2P (red to dark red - heavy flow), taken Clomiphene Citrate 50mg 2bj (morning). got mild cramp.. walking distance 40-50 min., temp normal, OR 0 (forget to take)
CD 3 - Wednesday , taken Clomiphene Citrate 50mg 2bj (morning)., constipation, 1P (dark red-dark choc), temp-normal, nausea, OR 63
CD 4 - Thursday, taken Clomiphene Citrate 50mg 2bj (morning)., diarrhea, 1P(1tbsp) choc, temp-in eve high..got cold fever but naturally heals ok next morning, bitterness in taste, OR 64
CD 5 - Friday, taken Clomiphene Citrate 50mg 2bj (late morning 10.30am)., 1P choc, temp already normal, bitterness in taste, OR 64
CD 6 - Saturday, taken Clomiphene Citrate 50mg 2bj (morning), temp normal, still bitterness in taste after taking clomid, OR 71, 1P (1tsp) choc
CD 7 - Sunday, OR 62, 1P (<1tsp) choc, temp (warm)
CD 8 - Monday, OR 81, still have little choc, doctor's appointment for TVS
Doctor's review:
clinical assessment : pink, per abd soft nontnder, not distended
investigation : et 8.8 mm, rt ovary 18 x 20 mm biggest folicle, (ade satu je yg besar...yg belah kiri kecik2 je)....tapi sebab ade satu yg besar...so xdela aku kena inject Gonal-F ari nie.. et pon dah ok kate doc, so procced IUI...
esok malam kena pegi ward...kena amek injection HCG 10000 units...
on Thurday, IUI start pagi with sep D (yg nie aku xpaham pe die)...utk belah kanan je aimnyer...sebb belah kiri aku obliterated...
tadi doc bagi ubat duphaston 10mg utk amek lepas IUI nanti...and acid folic...sebab aku xde bekalannyer...lupa langsung nak beli...yg kat umah yg tahun lepas punyer ade...tp xmakan pon...ade la 10 bj...lupa betul la....
harap sgt IUI nie berjaya walaupon dengan 1 telur je...Ya Allah...perkenankanlah doa kami utk mendapat cahaya mata...
CD 2 - Tuesday, 2P (red to dark red - heavy flow), taken Clomiphene Citrate 50mg 2bj (morning). got mild cramp.. walking distance 40-50 min., temp normal, OR 0 (forget to take)
CD 3 - Wednesday , taken Clomiphene Citrate 50mg 2bj (morning)., constipation, 1P (dark red-dark choc), temp-normal, nausea, OR 63
CD 4 - Thursday, taken Clomiphene Citrate 50mg 2bj (morning)., diarrhea, 1P(1tbsp) choc, temp-in eve high..got cold fever but naturally heals ok next morning, bitterness in taste, OR 64
CD 5 - Friday, taken Clomiphene Citrate 50mg 2bj (late morning 10.30am)., 1P choc, temp already normal, bitterness in taste, OR 64
CD 6 - Saturday, taken Clomiphene Citrate 50mg 2bj (morning), temp normal, still bitterness in taste after taking clomid, OR 71, 1P (1tsp) choc
CD 7 - Sunday, OR 62, 1P (<1tsp) choc, temp (warm)
CD 8 - Monday, OR 81, still have little choc, doctor's appointment for TVS
Doctor's review:
clinical assessment : pink, per abd soft nontnder, not distended
investigation : et 8.8 mm, rt ovary 18 x 20 mm biggest folicle, (ade satu je yg besar...yg belah kiri kecik2 je)....tapi sebab ade satu yg besar...so xdela aku kena inject Gonal-F ari nie.. et pon dah ok kate doc, so procced IUI...
esok malam kena pegi ward...kena amek injection HCG 10000 units...
on Thurday, IUI start pagi with sep D (yg nie aku xpaham pe die)...utk belah kanan je aimnyer...sebb belah kiri aku obliterated...
tadi doc bagi ubat duphaston 10mg utk amek lepas IUI nanti...and acid folic...sebab aku xde bekalannyer...lupa langsung nak beli...yg kat umah yg tahun lepas punyer ade...tp xmakan pon...ade la 10 bj...lupa betul la....
harap sgt IUI nie berjaya walaupon dengan 1 telur je...Ya Allah...perkenankanlah doa kami utk mendapat cahaya mata...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)